An Unhealthy Obsession.

I've been obsessed with babyloss blogs for a while now. I don't know why, but I know it's not healthy. I dwell on other people's tragedies, and part of me lives in constant terror that I may, one day, have to know what they're going through.

At the same time, I'm trying to get pregnant again. The Man is a less-than-enthusiastic contributor to this plan, but he's not out-and-out refusing me either. And I'm trying hard - OPK's every month ($200 so far... blech), and seriously considering talking to a doctor about Clomid, because I'm not at all certain that I'm ovulating, period. My son is still nursing frequently, but since I am no longer experiencing lactational amenorrhea, I assume that I can, in fact, conceive - and I am desperate to do so. I long for the feeling of a tiny body moving inside my own, elbows and feet digging (often painfully!) into places I didn't know I had - and for the joy of delivery, the fascination of a newborn. It's not that I don't feel fulfilled with my son - but I never pictured myself having an only child. I want a baby as much for him as for myself - I am firmly of the opinion that a sibling (or two, or five) is important to a child's development, and I am ALSO of the opinion that the best spacing for kids is 16-24 months apart. If I conceive next cycle (it's too late for this one, and we never even made the attempt this time because of Mexico and Tristin's illness), the babies will be 21 months apart. It's getting awfully close....

Out of all of this, the thing I'm most uncertain of: is it wrong to want another child mostly for the sake of the one you already have? Do all mothers think of subsequent children at least partly in terms of their relationship to the first?