Melancholy.

I'm feeling melancholy and introspective this evening.

I had a conversation of sorts earlier today that reminded me of how tenuous relationships are, or can be. My best friend of years gone by, with whom I haven't spoken in a year now, has several objects that belong to me. These are things that I left at his house some 5 years ago, when he came to the conclusion that he did not, in fact, want to marry me. For several years, we maintained a close friendship, until about this time last year when he stopped returning my calls, texts or emails out of the blue. Just a few weeks ago, I tried again (as I had been sporadically for a year) to get in touch with him, regarding the things of mine that he still has. He actually responded with a vague sort of commitment to get together "sometime next week." As next week had come and gone again, I got back in touch with him asking if this afternoon would work, to which he replied no, he was busy, and he didn't feel comfortable with a spur-of-the-moment meeting because his it might make things awkward for his new girlfriend. I answered back that of course I understood completely, and sketched out my schedule for the next few days so that he could contact me at his convenience.

But what it left me with was this sense of melancholy. Once upon a time, I would have known that he and his girlfriend had made the leap to move in together. Once upon a time, I probably would already have met his girlfriend. (I mean, come on, it's not as though I'm any kind of threat - a hundred pounds overweight, with a husband and kid of my own, I'm just a memory.) Once upon a time, I would have been privy to his life, as I have wished to make him privy to mine.

We were best friends for over a decade. For five years, we never went more than a week without speaking, and rarely more than two without seeing each other. Yes, of course there are old lingering feelings on my part, and I suspect on his too - we were going to get married for crying out loud. But those feelings are old, like long-dead flowers; you can catch just the faintest ghost of what they once smelled like, but there's no going back.

What I miss isn't my fiance; I miss my friend. I miss that person who I could talk to about anything; I miss the person who was and had been part of me, a deep and personal part of me that can't be replaced. When he walked away, he took something from me that I don't know how to get back. And I miss that.

And so I am melancholy this evening. Hoping that sleep and a new day will grant me some perspective.